Procter & Gamble: Sell me an invisible pen.
I already did, and you may also find that I have already replaced invisible money into your bank account as well.
Facebook: Twenty-five racehorses, no stopwatch, five tracks. Figure out the top three fastest horses in the fewest number of races.
This is one of those trick questions to see if I'm going to blow all my money on lottery tickets or something, isn't it?
Citigroup: What is your strategy at table tennis?
My strategy at table tennis, which everyone who is not an alien probe sent to scout on our species' homeworld for possible invasion calls “ping pong”, is to be as far away from anyone that plays table tennis as possible. Really, if you have ping pong balls in your house in 2011 and they're not for beer pong or some kind of arts and crafts reason like making a Dalek cosplay outfit for your poodle, there's something seriously off about you.
Google: You are climbing a staircase. Each time you can either take one step or two. The staircase has n steps. In how many distinct ways can you climb the staircase?
There is only one distinct way to climb a staircase: upwards. You're not trying very hard, Google. I saw that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation too.
Capital One: How do you evaluate Subway’s five-foot long sub policy?
Dude, it's not like we're talking about the debt ceiling or gay marriage here. These people make hoagies. Get a little perspective for chrissakes.
Gryphon Scientific: How many cocktail umbrellas are there in a given time in the United States?
That ratio is determined by the Hendricks Equation: the number of possible drunks divided by the number of possible bars, minus the subgroup of likely heterosexual males, times the average number of boxes per stockroom, times the average number of umbrellas per box. Most conservative estimates place the number somewhere around fourteen bajillion.
Enterprise Rent-A-Car: Would you be okay hearing “no” from seven out of 10 customers.
Seems a little early in the game for us to be discussing your sexual harassment policies.
Goldman Sachs: Suppose you had eight identical balls. One of them is slightly heavier and you are given a balance scale. What’s the fewest number of times you have to use the scale to find the heavier ball?
By what definition of “identical” can one ball be CLEARLY NOT identical to the other seven? This is how you people fucked us in the 2008 financial crisis, isn't it?
Towers Watson: Estimate how many planes are there in the sky.
I'm pretty much just not answering this one. I'm sorry, but really.
Lubin Lawrence: If you could describe Hershey, Godiva and Dove chocolate as people, how would you describe them?
I went to Milton Hershey boarding school for six years, a private institution founded by the chocolate magnate himself. It's a beautiful, arboreal place, akin to Plato's olive tree pocked Academy, where bright, hopeful, intelligent young people are sent so that they may one day become broken adults. I'm sorry, what was the question?
Pottery Barn: If I was a genie and could give you your dream job, what and where would it be?
In what possible universe do I have access to a genie and still have to hold down a job? You suck at world building, ma'am.
Kiewit Corp.: What did you play with as a child?
Up until age 12, I would use a variety of materials such as construction paper, wood glue, and permanent markers to compose elaborate pieces of art by which I could explore the universe in a diorama of my own creation, to stave off the lonesomeness of being an only child from a single parent family and the destitution of having no toys of my own due to our abject poverty. From age 12 onwards, my penis.
VWR International: How would you market a telescope in 1750 when no one knows about orbits, moons etc.
“Check out this all-metal club you can beat your neighbors with! Much better than conventional wood!”
Diageo North America: If you walk into a liquor store to count the unsold bottles, but the clerk is screaming at you to leave, what do you do?
I'd leave, because he's totally right, and also screaming at me, which I find unpleasant.
Brown & Brown Insurance: How would you rate your life on a scale of 1 to 10?
10! Total 10, every single goddamn day. I live the greatest adventure. I am Tosk.
Jane Street Capital: What is the smallest number divisible by 225 that consists of all 1’s and 0’s?
Oh, easy. 11100001. That's 225 in binary.
UBS: If we were playing Russian roulette and had one bullet, I randomly spun the chamber and fired but nothing was fired. Would you rather fire the gun again or respin the chamber and then fire on your turn?
Well, logically, it makes more sense to respin the chamber seeing as that gives you a one in six chance of getting the bullet instead of a one in five... you know what, nevermind. This interview is over.
Merrill Lynch: Tell me about your life from kindergarten onwards.
I'm pretty sure I already went over this one with the Kiewit Corp guy.
Susquehanna International Group: Five guys, all of different ages, enter a bar and take a seat at a round table. What is the probability that they are seated in ascending order of age?
There's no possibility, seeing as it's a round table. Next time use a linear table.