Chisa: So who's the best cap-
Archer: I'm sorry, I don't really understand the question here. Did someone else get promoted to captain?
Chisa: Alright, stupid question. Let's try this. Who's the SECOND best captain?
Sisko: Hmm. That's a toughie.
Picard: As if. Everyone loves me.
Sisko: You? What did you ever do?
Picard: For starters, I stopped the Klingon Civil War and kept Romulus from invading Vulcan.
Sisko: No you didn't! Data exposed the Romulans supplying the Duras sisters, and Spock sent the message that stopped the Romulans at Galorndon Core. You just take credit for all the awesome things everyone else does.
Picard: Well, I met Kirk once!
Sisko: So did I.
Picard: Not before me!
Sisko: From his perspective I did.
Kirk: You did? I don't remember that.
Sisko: I couldn't really talk about it at the time. Temporal Prime Directive and all that.
Janeway: I met Captain Sulu!
Picard and Sisko: (in unison) No you didn't.
Archer: Excuse me? I'm sitting right here!
Janeway: Who are you?
Archer: Who am I? WHO AM I? I'm Johnathan Fucking Archer! I launched the first warp five spaceship! I saved the Earth from the Xindi superweapon! I signed the Federation charter! I HAVE A PLANET NAMED AFTER ME!
Kirk: Big deal, so does Harry Mudd.
Sisko: Yeah, but Harry Mudd is kind of awesome.
Kirk, Picard, Janeway: (agreeing) Yeah, he really is.
Archer: None of you would even be around if it wasn't for me! I forged the first ever alliance between the Vulcans and the Andorians, AFTER EXPOSING EACH TO THE OTHER ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. I fought ACTUAL NAZIS in the Temporal Cold War!
Janeway: Well, I beat the Borg a few times...
Archer: Done that.
Janeway: And, uh, I traveled back to late 20th century Earth...
Archer: Done THAT.... well, early 21st century. Close enough.
Janeway: And... and I...
Sisko: Give it up, Kate. You got lost and straggled home.
Janeway: (sobs) My whole career is a sham!
Sisko: Okay, pal, dig this. I saved the Federation by going back in time and impersonating one of the most important figures in American history.
Picard: Yeah, but it was your fault for fucking it up in the first place.
Sisko: I fought on the front lines of the Dominion War for two years based out of a run-down Cardassian mining station, and I WON.
Picard: Only because you lied to the Romulans to get them on your side. You would have gotten spanked otherwise.
Sisko: (sweating) Well... did I mention I'm actually HALF-GOD?
Janeway: Oh, Christ, not this bullshit again.
Kirk: He always has to pull out the Prophets.
Picard: Of course he does, it's his trump card.
Sisko: Shut up! All of you, shut up! After Kirk, I am the best captain in the Federation!
Archer: Oh yeah? I HELD THE KATRA OF SURAK IN MY GOD DAMNED HEAD.
Picard: Damn, I only had Sarek's katra in mine for four hours and I cried like a little bitch. I got nothin' here, I'm out.
Archer: What the fuck have any of you done that holds a candle to me?
Kirk: (looking nervous) Uh, well, I beat V'Ger...
Picard: Shut up, that was totally Decker.
Kirk: And Khan! Twice!
Archer: Who's Khan?
Sisko: One of the Augments.
Archer: Only one? I stopped an entire invasion of them!
Picard: You know, why IS Kirk always considered the best captain?
Janeway: Yeah, now that you mention it...
Kirk: Hey, guys, stop looking at me like that.
Janeway: You fucked your way to the top, didn't you? I knew it. I've always known it, it was the sex.
Picard: You did do a lot of fucking.
Sisko: Way more than me.
Janeway: And me.
Picard: And me! And that's saying something!
Kirk: Alright! Yes, that's why! Because I am a manwhore! But it's all I have! And you, Archer, you never fucked anyone! So there!
Archer: Captain Hernandez, dawg.
Kirk: (quietly) ...you had sex with ANOTHER Starfleet Captain?
Picard: Holy shit. That's unprecedented.
Janeway: I... wow. Wow.
Sisko: Shit, I thought I was a stud for banging a FREIGHTER captain.
Chisa: I think we've come to a consensus, ladies and gentlemen.
Janeway: I agree.
Picard: It's Archer.
Kirk: (begrudgingly) ...yeah, it's totally Archer.
Archer: Thank you. Finally.