Sunday, March 31, 2013

Doctor Who Series 7 (P)reviews

After seeing the latest Doctor Who episode, “The Bells of Saint John”, and remaining fairly sick of the direction the show's been taking since Moffat decided it would be a great idea to turn it from a science fiction vehicle to a kitschy romantic comedy, I thought it would be a fun experiment to review the rest of the episodes before I even see them. Let's see how close my predictions are!

Episode 233, "The Rings of Akhaten"

The Doctor and his newest companion, Clara Oswald (whom, in her latest incarnation, is a crystalline-based Xylok named Klah-Rahs'Wahld and must be carried around in the Doctor's pocket) encounter a species of sapient frogs determined to strip-mine an innocent planet to create an army of robotic bug-zappers.

Episode 234, "Cold War"

Brrr! The Doctor and Clara (now a cavewoman from the year 20,000 BC) return to the icy planet of Telos, where the Cryons have been locked in a war with the Ice Warriors of Mars. Can the Doctor negotiate a peace before he and Clara freeze to death? Guest stars Ricky Gervais as a Lurman traveling salesman.

Episode 235, "Hide"

The Doctor and his ever-faithful companion (now an Auton duplicate who fires jammy dodgers from her hand-cannons) enter a game of galactic hide-and-seek, where the prize is the universe itself! There's just one problem: they have to find each other first, but which Auton duplicate Clara is the REAL Auton duplicate Clara?

Episode 236, "Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS"

It's classic Who meets new Who as the Doctor meets his eighth incarnation, played by the venerable Paul McGann, to stop an 800-year-old sentient pencil... THAT KILLS. Can they find a way to stop history being literally erased, while saving Clara (who is also the pencil)? Clive Owen guest stars as the twenty-seventh Doctor.

Episode 237, "The Crimson Horror"

This entire episode consists of the Doctor just straight up stabbing the latest Clara repeatedly for 45 minutes because he is so sick of this bullshit.

Episode 238, "Nightmare in Silver"

The Cybermen are back... except this time, they're the Daleks! A new race of CyberDaleks has taken over both factions, determined to both assimilate and destroy all of humanity simultaneously. It's a race against the clock as the Doctor frenetically babbles and dances around like a loon. Patrick Stewart guest stars as Actual Goddamn Captain Picard.